Love Always

Fortunate to know you, fortunate to feel you, you changed a part of me for the better. I know that you could never love me. But I will always love you. Not in love like I would so much like to be... But love nevertheless. It's who you are and how great you are, your eyes when you smile the words that you speak. The way your mind works. Your strength and character . The warmth of your heart. It's your touch and your state of being. I just wanted to make you happy and feel good. Such a wonderful human being. Nothing less than an Adonis. I hope someday a woman worships you the way you deserve, the way I would have. I hope  more that you love her. That you experience such an overwhelming feeling.

I will however love you no less when that day comes. Even though I may never even be a passing thought in your mind. I was drowning in this emotion you had given to me but nevertheless  I'm so happy and blessed to have swam in it.

I own my death

You forget...

I've worn that noose many times and the trap door has dropped open and my neck hasn't snapped. I own this death and you cannot take my life from me.

From the child left to die 

to the teen left to starve

 The adult driven mad 
and the mother who lost hope...

Death is a frequent visitor who has yet to stay. I won't allow it. Not yet. 

Better as a daydream

So I can't get him out of my head. It's not even in my head...it's my whole body remembering

every sound, smell, taste and beautiful sensation...

I need to take this less literal and more imaginative. He can only be as real as I let him be.

Fantasies last longer. So let him be a dream.

Don't get attached.

The boundaries were clearly set.

But even removing all the physical pleasure I still find myself emotionally tied. Urge to have contact, concern...and almost a need to see him happy. And hear it in the words he sends

I've done the math like I have with so many other things and I am a negative in the figures that make up his life's calculation.

When he figures it out I'll accept my fate but for now let the numbers play out in this wonderful calculation.

countdown begins

May 19th, May 19th, May 19th...it approaches. 

A pinnacle moment in the direction of my little family. Terrified. To be honest...not confident.

Well I have hope. Wonderful things have happened in the past just have to work harder to achieve them. 

In seven days I'll know if there is truly a light at the end of the tunnel. A happily ever after.

Man of Light

Sometimes we have to do things for our own reasons 
                   just to silence the voices when they're screaming....


It's an unpredictable plot twist. The main character side steps her own story line. The pages are turning but the white out is in hand. Maybe this chapter won't make the book? Who would believe it?

I've found solace in another who has a beautiful soul. I want to dive into his head and know what's that like. Does it bring him peace? Is it everything I thought it would be? Not wanting to be the scientist and he my guinea pig I question the health in such a relationship. A friendship. I've found compatibility in those who have fallen into the dark but what of this man who stands in the light? A friend forever? A passing hype? Unable to identify my emotions correctly I passed through the boundaries that'll effect any ability to have real depth to our friendship. A selfish act. But it occurred to me suddenly that this could all be a myth and only meant to be a passing fancy. That I was written  into his story. A small roll with the true stories protagonist. 

But oh how the senses dance madly at his presence and for his words. He taste like ambrosia laced grapes, feels like fine leather, looks like a dream I once had and sounds like pleasant memories that make you smile. How I could fall deeply in adoration for such a man. If my character was from another story than my own. 

Another time, another world...or so they say.

I drank the kool-aid. Did what so many women do. Demoralize acts of pleasure just in hopes to make it to the next chapter. Make my character worth keeping. Or maybe to take advantage of what little time we have in eachother's stories. 

Are these puzzle pieces even from the same box?

Broken apart and edges bent out of shape

color faded, picture distorted

A puzzle like me should have been replaced

But I was collected a long  time ago

A box brand new

one owner limited edition

crisp 1982

You broke the seal and made me your own

the pieces fit perfectly

you just played with me too long

I'm your keep sake

a memory toy that you keep to reflect

on that time long ago

when the pieces in your life were a complete set

Things are lost now

the values diminished 

some days I'm that reminder

that things were left unfinished

The box's edges are taped 

so the lid will stay on

dust covered shelf life

never acknowledge for very long

You get bored or lonely

or maybe just honestly aware

of your life 

of my life

of that fact that I'm there

The lid comes off

and I can breathe again

slowly you put me together

and it's as good as it's ever been

But before I'm whole

in one picture perfect piece

You're distracted

Lose interest

and I'm left 

incomplete.

Dear Dartmouth, I hate you...

I'm not particularly found of the town I live in. Not that I don't make a huge effort to fall in love with my community. There are some great people that live here. Very beautiful area, nice drives, awesome trails. We have farmlands and a mall. Pretty diverse. Maybe it's the area I live in? Maybe it's the schools? I've lived here my entire adult life and I don't know how it would have been being an adult raising a family elsewhere.

But damnit if I don't want to try!

Most of my local PTO members are very stereotypical sheep. Many do a lot of this..

I've tried to get involved but I'm not a smile and play nice kinda person.

I used to be...

 I also don't do a lot of socialization because "I need to get away from my kids"..Seriously? Many work outside the home and the kids are in school. They barely see their children! But always need several nights a week to get away. 

I hate people like that.

My children are my world and I don't think that's a horrible thing. I rarely spend money on myself and that's something their father and I share. We live for them. Is it taxing? Sure. But we have such a small window in their lives where we are the most important thing to them.

Sure it's not all smiling faces and happy moments. Like sheeple will try to illustrate through overpriced portraits on social media.

"We're so freakin happy all the time"

"He's sexting random women on Craigslist"

"She blew my boss"

"the kids curse us out and are already on mental health medication"

"if we miss one day  of work, we lose the house"!

But we all only post the happy moments, right? I just get annoyed with fake people. I know a man who lives in the basement of his own house so his wife's boyfriend could move in upstairs to their former bedroom. I know a husband and wife who are both cheating and stay together for the kids. I know people who have purchased houses beyond what they can afford so they can live a life for that house and not for their family.

Sad really.

Anyways, a year ago I bitched and complained how my daughter much less the rest of her Kindergarten class did not have a playground. We live in SOUTH Dartmouth. Our poor little rich town had built a brand new playground where the school's old one had stood and everyone decided that the children of this pre-k to K school were banned from using it.

It's now a "community" playground

So in view of the gated partially  paved area where the kids had recess was this KICK ASS new playground they couldn't use. It had been like this for years and we did not know that when we enrolled our daughter. So I got on the PTO's FB page, and bitched. Yep...could have gone to a meeting but I have kids! lol I don't pawn them off on friends and family. We are their only babysitters. 

Okay that's a bit harsh. It's okay to have your child babysat by family to grow their circle. It's just not okay if you're doing it to grow YOUR circle. Make sense?

Anyways, that bitch (which was well stated) became the longest thread on their group page. I compared the school's lack of playground to looking like a broke inner-city daycare. We donated these huge playballs for kids to play with. There were some toddler old playhouses that we not age appropriate and spider havens there as well. My daughter came home with bloody scraps every week. The established PTO heads went on the defensive! I mean to have it pointed out that they  have done nothing about it must have been a real shot to their pride. So this year they did something about it and now the kids use the playground. Too late for my child, even many of their children. But at least other kids get to enjoy recess in those beginning years of school life. Where their first impression of school matters.

So that makes me less attached to this town. I happily call Dartmouth

                             "Spit and Shine New Bedford"

A city with amazing potential but a fails to embrace it. A town line makes  you no better. I've walked that line and the sidewalks are actually better over there.

And this is my rant for today. For living in a rich town with poor fibers holding it together. Where common sense isn't common.