Medieval Faire

Yesterday I went to a Medieval Faire with my girls and my bestfriends family. I'm not saying I wasn't enjoying the day it's just my mind wasn't fully there. I made this decision to share my life with someone who is so different from me. This love I have for him is so warped and obsessive. I know it isn't healthy but in a way it makes me so damn happy. From the outside looking in they might assume we're so opposite. But that just isn't true. Though I'll agree we're far from being the same.
I saw couples holding hands enjoying the shows and just walking around. How nice to see that. If only it was always true. I've come to learn many openly affectionate couples are trying to convince the world and themselves a lie.

Everything is perfect..........

Some days I see couples I somewhat know and they put on this act. Despite knowing the realty of things. There is still that sting of envy........to just look normal. Why can't we just look normal? Why can't we be normal?

I'm an over affectionate woman and a pervert sexually. Some would call me needy and maybe even a slut but I think it's just a healthy state of being twenty something. I'm dedicated to my husband and I have been so for many years. Maybe the devil taunts me with desires for more. An unquestionable thirst. Wanting more from him then he could ever give. The truth being is my heart aches. He doesn't say nice things or hold me. When we butt heads he repeats how I should see those nice words in the actions he does for our family. "Words are cheap....."

What I wouldn't give for him to just go for a walk with me someday. Or join in while I take our toddler out. Even joining us at the zoo or the Faire. To openly represent himself as MINE and be a proud part of this family. The head of this family. God tells me that my husband rules me and is in charge of the household. That is a burden I'd never want for myself. So maybe I'm asking to much in these little things.......

I dressed in a tradition Medieval clothing that Aly lent to me. I felt awkward, a little uncomfortable, but....unique. The dark red bodest matched my newly dyed hair. Despite having a green dress on I wore sneakers. That reminds me, I really need to buy dress shoes and boots. Alisson and her husband both dressed up as well as his brother and her parents. Everyone embraced it for what it was. Being in charge of the two girls was difficult. I brought a stroller which helped. My oldest disappointed me in her unwillingness to help or be grateful. I wanted the kids to have fun and do something different but to see that she was just taking it all for granted and acting spoiled really opened my eyes to what the future holds for her. I've let her down.

My husband and I grew up with little frills. Our parents didn't love us. To make up for that we spoil our girls and now they don't know what it is to do without. That is something I need to think on more..........

This month ends with beginnings. The beginning of a new grade in school for our oldest. The beginning of toddlerhood and the true end of infancy for our youngest. Also, the beginning of realization for my husband and I. Realization that our differences could weigh heavy on our hearts and our roles in this family. I see no resolution in either side of things....one of us must learn to be like the other. This is a hard test for me but I'll study hard and do my best. He's says we're as different as Black and White.

What I wouldn't give to be Grey.