Sleep & Sex

Two random old poems I thought I'd share............

Getting A Good Nights Sleep
Secrets were told
tongues are tied
people in shock,
they've lived a lie,
praying and praising
not knowing the truth
a child spoke
what so little knew,
but those who did
never said
16yrs. old and already dead
breathing, maybe
speaking, sometimes
but long ago heard her chimes,

of death...

In her head
made by lies,
16yrs. old
secrets were told
and now she rest
in peace
in bed.

Dancing In Sex

It's the music that never plays. The candles never lit. The chocolates never tasted on desires wanting lips. It's the oils never spread the Ecstasy never had, that's the reason that I always find myself dancing in this sex.

It's a trained response
a motion to your touch
a rock, a cry, a feeling of getting hot.
It happens only sometimes or some-nights,
like a clubby looking for a high. Is the reason I find myself dancing with sex sometimes.

It's the being held that never happens. The kiss of love at the end. The emotion of warmth that always runs cold...
is the reason I always find my self dancing with sex. Some day we might get better or the dance will have to come to an end.

Sick of...

Lies. Self preservation. The differences between me and you. Sick of suspicion. Being blamed for everything that goes wrong. Sick of anger. Your rage. Sick of disconnection and no affection. No respect. Sick of being second class because you are God. I gave up happiness. Love. I never knew such things and you never wanted it. I'm sick of living the life you want. Sick of the reality we live in. The fiction we are forced to portray. Your rules. Your playing field. My loss. I'm just so sick of it.

I saved the day when you needed me but that turned to more resentment. Why?

Early Hours

I love the world in the very early morning hours. When people sleep and the air is crisp and fresh. I joined a gym awhile ago that is a walk from my house and they open at 5am during the week. A great reason to be out that early is to walk to the gym. A destination makes me feel more productive. I was going steady to the gym until I had a bit of a relapse and got sick. Now I'll start again...

I'm always the first one up in my house. I get alot done while my family sleeps and have to admit sometimes I enjoy the quiet. Mostly though, I get lonely. I stage my toddlers room rotating toys (blocks one day and dinosaurs another etc). Set out educational material we're going to work on. She is a big part of my every day. My beautiful three year old. Our miracle baby. I don't know what I'll do if we decide to send her to school.

My family is really my life. People say that but rarely mean it. Well, I truly mean it. I stalk my husband in our own home. I can sense when he pulls the car up. He wants space and I try to give it to him but I guess I'm clingy. Our oldest daughter is our creation that I obsess about. Seeing her hitting those pre-teen years is terrifying. I was not a normal child or teenager and I sometimes wish she is like me but other times I really hope she isn't.

Anyways, the early hours after I've been out I sit with the TV on when I finished some of my chores and open a book, do paperwork, sew or relax. The background noise brings me comfort until my family wakes up. Sometimes it helps to drown out my thoughts. They rage in my head sometimes and make me so sad or anxious. Tomorrow I'll go for my early morning walk and walk in the woods on the way back so I can pray......

Sometimes the world gets so loud that I don't think God can hear me.

Spring brings the animals that listen to me when I think I'm alone. I stalk them and they stalk me. Expecting no one to be awake. I've seen geese walking up a side street. Deer in parking lots. Wild Turkeys behind a church. Things that people don't see because they are sleeping. Things I'd miss.

Sleeping in is a waste of time and time is so precious. I just wish I could share these things with someone I loved.

The Happiness Project....

Dating and Marriage. Why do people enjoy multiplying these things? I hate the idea of letting someone in and then it just ending and on comes another person. There are highs and lows but for some reason people expect things to always be a ten. Impossible. Divorce terrifies me. Breaking up terrifies me. I never want to start over. I never want to open up and share in all these things and learn all these things about someone I grow to love. Am I the exception in thinking this way? Do people enjoy going through partners?
I don't forgive people that have hurt me. I am a horrible Christian because forgiveness is demanded. Maybe I could lie and say I do? But I'd rather be honest to others and myself. I love some people that have hurt me but others I hate. Being burned is part of every relationship I've ever had with anyone. My friends, family.....it hurts more with the ones I thought I could trust. Trust is a beautiful illusion.

No one feels the way I do. I have no equal. No real partner that knows me or gets me or excepts me. Sometimes I'm lonely by that truth. Other times I wonder if this is just how it is for everyone. Just some people lie.

I wish I lived in a world where people fought for the happily ever after. I look at people who have divorced as failures. Quitters. People who don't take LOVE and COMMITMENT seriously. Yes that is wrong and everyone has a story. I do love people who have been divorced but I can't get past that.
A wife who leaves her husband because he didn't show her enough attention. Or the person who left their partner because "something better" came along. There is nothing more rewarding in life then being a wife and mother. NOTHING is worth jeopardizing that! My own mother thought nothing of parenting or being a wife. According to my faith she will get hers in the end. A lonely selfish life. There is no love stronger then between two people who have shared a long life blessed with children. Things can SUCK sometimes but it's all worth it. I am happy more then I am sad. If not for them I would not know what happy felt like.

No regrets. Okay a few regrets...

I've only known one love in a man and it isn't perfect. But if my childhood is any indicator on how my life should be then perfection isn't in the cards. At least not in my playing deck. Yet for some reason my path crossed with a man that could be the only one out there that I could ever love. Over the years I grew up and learned how to be an adult and all at the same time a companion to someone in a shared life. I have SO screw up along the way. Many, many times. I took him for granted and took things and words at face value. Pushed his boundaries and wanted more from him instead of accepting how I should want what I have. Never mature enough to step back and look at this world and figure out what every action meant.

I never saw a healthy relationship between a man and a woman. So how can I have one? Loving someone simply isn't enough. Thinking the right things doesn't equal actions. And actions can be misinterpreted. There would be nothing more perfect in this world then if he could feel a bit of what I feel for him. That just is not in the cards for me. I don't deserve that. The little girl unloved girl. Some days it's maddening, other days it's numbing. Tonight I see our future and still have hope. Some night he might turn to me and forgive the sins he sees in me and love my soul that I gave him so many years ago. That clean slate would be a wonderful thing.

But somethings are never meant to be. We have to exist in the realty we created and not the fiction that helps us sleep at night. I pray to God that I have the strength.