I've only known one love in a man and it isn't perfect. But if my childhood is any indicator on how my life should be then perfection isn't in the cards. At least not in my playing deck. Yet for some reason my path crossed with a man that could be the only one out there that I could ever love. Over the years I grew up and learned how to be an adult and all at the same time a companion to someone in a shared life. I have SO screw up along the way. Many, many times. I took him for granted and took things and words at face value. Pushed his boundaries and wanted more from him instead of accepting how I should want what I have. Never mature enough to step back and look at this world and figure out what every action meant.
I never saw a healthy relationship between a man and a woman. So how can I have one? Loving someone simply isn't enough. Thinking the right things doesn't equal actions. And actions can be misinterpreted. There would be nothing more perfect in this world then if he could feel a bit of what I feel for him. That just is not in the cards for me. I don't deserve that. The little girl unloved girl. Some days it's maddening, other days it's numbing. Tonight I see our future and still have hope. Some night he might turn to me and forgive the sins he sees in me and love my soul that I gave him so many years ago. That clean slate would be a wonderful thing.
But somethings are never meant to be. We have to exist in the realty we created and not the fiction that helps us sleep at night. I pray to God that I have the strength.
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