Early Hours

I love the world in the very early morning hours. When people sleep and the air is crisp and fresh. I joined a gym awhile ago that is a walk from my house and they open at 5am during the week. A great reason to be out that early is to walk to the gym. A destination makes me feel more productive. I was going steady to the gym until I had a bit of a relapse and got sick. Now I'll start again...

I'm always the first one up in my house. I get alot done while my family sleeps and have to admit sometimes I enjoy the quiet. Mostly though, I get lonely. I stage my toddlers room rotating toys (blocks one day and dinosaurs another etc). Set out educational material we're going to work on. She is a big part of my every day. My beautiful three year old. Our miracle baby. I don't know what I'll do if we decide to send her to school.

My family is really my life. People say that but rarely mean it. Well, I truly mean it. I stalk my husband in our own home. I can sense when he pulls the car up. He wants space and I try to give it to him but I guess I'm clingy. Our oldest daughter is our creation that I obsess about. Seeing her hitting those pre-teen years is terrifying. I was not a normal child or teenager and I sometimes wish she is like me but other times I really hope she isn't.

Anyways, the early hours after I've been out I sit with the TV on when I finished some of my chores and open a book, do paperwork, sew or relax. The background noise brings me comfort until my family wakes up. Sometimes it helps to drown out my thoughts. They rage in my head sometimes and make me so sad or anxious. Tomorrow I'll go for my early morning walk and walk in the woods on the way back so I can pray......

Sometimes the world gets so loud that I don't think God can hear me.

Spring brings the animals that listen to me when I think I'm alone. I stalk them and they stalk me. Expecting no one to be awake. I've seen geese walking up a side street. Deer in parking lots. Wild Turkeys behind a church. Things that people don't see because they are sleeping. Things I'd miss.

Sleeping in is a waste of time and time is so precious. I just wish I could share these things with someone I loved.