Sleep & Sex

Two random old poems I thought I'd share............

Getting A Good Nights Sleep
Secrets were told
tongues are tied
people in shock,
they've lived a lie,
praying and praising
not knowing the truth
a child spoke
what so little knew,
but those who did
never said
16yrs. old and already dead
breathing, maybe
speaking, sometimes
but long ago heard her chimes,

of death...

In her head
made by lies,
16yrs. old
secrets were told
and now she rest
in peace
in bed.

Dancing In Sex

It's the music that never plays. The candles never lit. The chocolates never tasted on desires wanting lips. It's the oils never spread the Ecstasy never had, that's the reason that I always find myself dancing in this sex.

It's a trained response
a motion to your touch
a rock, a cry, a feeling of getting hot.
It happens only sometimes or some-nights,
like a clubby looking for a high. Is the reason I find myself dancing with sex sometimes.

It's the being held that never happens. The kiss of love at the end. The emotion of warmth that always runs cold...
is the reason I always find my self dancing with sex. Some day we might get better or the dance will have to come to an end.

Sick of...

Lies. Self preservation. The differences between me and you. Sick of suspicion. Being blamed for everything that goes wrong. Sick of anger. Your rage. Sick of disconnection and no affection. No respect. Sick of being second class because you are God. I gave up happiness. Love. I never knew such things and you never wanted it. I'm sick of living the life you want. Sick of the reality we live in. The fiction we are forced to portray. Your rules. Your playing field. My loss. I'm just so sick of it.

I saved the day when you needed me but that turned to more resentment. Why?

Early Hours

I love the world in the very early morning hours. When people sleep and the air is crisp and fresh. I joined a gym awhile ago that is a walk from my house and they open at 5am during the week. A great reason to be out that early is to walk to the gym. A destination makes me feel more productive. I was going steady to the gym until I had a bit of a relapse and got sick. Now I'll start again...

I'm always the first one up in my house. I get alot done while my family sleeps and have to admit sometimes I enjoy the quiet. Mostly though, I get lonely. I stage my toddlers room rotating toys (blocks one day and dinosaurs another etc). Set out educational material we're going to work on. She is a big part of my every day. My beautiful three year old. Our miracle baby. I don't know what I'll do if we decide to send her to school.

My family is really my life. People say that but rarely mean it. Well, I truly mean it. I stalk my husband in our own home. I can sense when he pulls the car up. He wants space and I try to give it to him but I guess I'm clingy. Our oldest daughter is our creation that I obsess about. Seeing her hitting those pre-teen years is terrifying. I was not a normal child or teenager and I sometimes wish she is like me but other times I really hope she isn't.

Anyways, the early hours after I've been out I sit with the TV on when I finished some of my chores and open a book, do paperwork, sew or relax. The background noise brings me comfort until my family wakes up. Sometimes it helps to drown out my thoughts. They rage in my head sometimes and make me so sad or anxious. Tomorrow I'll go for my early morning walk and walk in the woods on the way back so I can pray......

Sometimes the world gets so loud that I don't think God can hear me.

Spring brings the animals that listen to me when I think I'm alone. I stalk them and they stalk me. Expecting no one to be awake. I've seen geese walking up a side street. Deer in parking lots. Wild Turkeys behind a church. Things that people don't see because they are sleeping. Things I'd miss.

Sleeping in is a waste of time and time is so precious. I just wish I could share these things with someone I loved.

The Happiness Project....

Dating and Marriage. Why do people enjoy multiplying these things? I hate the idea of letting someone in and then it just ending and on comes another person. There are highs and lows but for some reason people expect things to always be a ten. Impossible. Divorce terrifies me. Breaking up terrifies me. I never want to start over. I never want to open up and share in all these things and learn all these things about someone I grow to love. Am I the exception in thinking this way? Do people enjoy going through partners?
I don't forgive people that have hurt me. I am a horrible Christian because forgiveness is demanded. Maybe I could lie and say I do? But I'd rather be honest to others and myself. I love some people that have hurt me but others I hate. Being burned is part of every relationship I've ever had with anyone. My friends, family.....it hurts more with the ones I thought I could trust. Trust is a beautiful illusion.

No one feels the way I do. I have no equal. No real partner that knows me or gets me or excepts me. Sometimes I'm lonely by that truth. Other times I wonder if this is just how it is for everyone. Just some people lie.

I wish I lived in a world where people fought for the happily ever after. I look at people who have divorced as failures. Quitters. People who don't take LOVE and COMMITMENT seriously. Yes that is wrong and everyone has a story. I do love people who have been divorced but I can't get past that.
A wife who leaves her husband because he didn't show her enough attention. Or the person who left their partner because "something better" came along. There is nothing more rewarding in life then being a wife and mother. NOTHING is worth jeopardizing that! My own mother thought nothing of parenting or being a wife. According to my faith she will get hers in the end. A lonely selfish life. There is no love stronger then between two people who have shared a long life blessed with children. Things can SUCK sometimes but it's all worth it. I am happy more then I am sad. If not for them I would not know what happy felt like.

No regrets. Okay a few regrets...

I've only known one love in a man and it isn't perfect. But if my childhood is any indicator on how my life should be then perfection isn't in the cards. At least not in my playing deck. Yet for some reason my path crossed with a man that could be the only one out there that I could ever love. Over the years I grew up and learned how to be an adult and all at the same time a companion to someone in a shared life. I have SO screw up along the way. Many, many times. I took him for granted and took things and words at face value. Pushed his boundaries and wanted more from him instead of accepting how I should want what I have. Never mature enough to step back and look at this world and figure out what every action meant.

I never saw a healthy relationship between a man and a woman. So how can I have one? Loving someone simply isn't enough. Thinking the right things doesn't equal actions. And actions can be misinterpreted. There would be nothing more perfect in this world then if he could feel a bit of what I feel for him. That just is not in the cards for me. I don't deserve that. The little girl unloved girl. Some days it's maddening, other days it's numbing. Tonight I see our future and still have hope. Some night he might turn to me and forgive the sins he sees in me and love my soul that I gave him so many years ago. That clean slate would be a wonderful thing.

But somethings are never meant to be. We have to exist in the realty we created and not the fiction that helps us sleep at night. I pray to God that I have the strength.

OMG a video!

And now for something completely different.......


I thought it would be fun to add a video or two so here we go! Years ago I walked into a pet store and to my horror it was snack feeding time. The young worker dropped a rat into the tank and that rat immediately jumped to the top looking for an exit. This was no ordinary rat! It knew what fate was waiting curled up in the corner of that glass prison. I told the worker "I want to buy that rat". She told me no!? I did get a bit mad and said "why not". She told me they have a tank full of them over there, pointing to the side. I told hre "I want THAT rat" saying it loud enough so the owner could here and pointing at the little gray fellow that was still trying to find an exit. The owner yelled over "sell her the rat"! My daughter who was little at the time clapped and they removed the future Miss. Bianca from the last tank she would ever know and into a small box.





Miss. Bianca was a wonderful pet. She lived in a two story ferret cage but was allowed out whenever it suited her. Fully housetrained and wouldn't even give your finger a nibble. She loved us and we loved her. She also loved apples and cupcakes. :-) Now rats have a flaw and that is a short life. One day a lump formed on her and it kept growing and we brought her to the vet to find it was cancer and there was nothing we could do. She died in her cage quietly.........

Something extrodanary about Miss. Bianca was that she did not fear cats. They really took an interest in her and would sit on her large cage for hours on a cat bed. But if a paw or tail dangled she would show them who was boss and grab it! lol Many times I'd bring her out to hang with me as I did chores. She had a favorite room. The spare room. Where she would play in an old loveseat the dogs used. Here are two videos showing how she showed the kitties not to mess with her.

I can't remember if it was before or after Richard had found a mother cat with kittens outside and rescued them. Above this you'll see those kittens trying to figure out Miss. Bianca.

Now below this you'll see a video or Spade. Our very chubby cat who was constantly a victim of Miss. Bianca despite the fact he was a mouser!

Well I hope you like these old home movies. I really never know how to end a blog so..

RATS RULE!!!!!!!!!!!

Time doesn't agree with me

Next month I'll be 29.

On March 5th I'll officially start the last year of being twenty something. What do I have to show for my youth? My figure sucks. My hair is limp and plain. My skin still fights puberty for some damn reason. My voice is forever changing yet always the same. I sound too young to be taken seriously. My physicality is in Intensive Care. Running is out of the question. Being active in general is so tiresome now. I get body pain. BODY PAIN! How can I be this damn old...or in the words of a country song "I'm much too young to feel this damn old". But am I young anymore?

It feels like I never had that moment in my life that I was at a perfection. A pretty time period. Where maybe I could turn a head or two. That's vanity for you! Deep down we all want to be some type of perfect. Some type of pretty. What would I do with the attention? Nothing. Just maybe wouldn't feel so encased by my cage of insecurity. My sisters were the pretty ones in every mans eyes. They had confidence with that and despite how much I would hate living their lives I envied their freedom found inside them that they used to live it.

My faith makes me happy. HA! Faith is actually my sister's name but I'm talking about literal "Faith". My God makes me happy.......okay he's your God too but I'm his favorite. :-P My family makes me happy. Not all my family but the few close to me and of course my husband and children. I wish for my daughters I could be a pretty mother. I wish for my husband I could be a beautiful wife. If you could see how absolutely handsome he is you would know how absolutely insecure I am with him.

The irony is I'm too old in my opinion but too young to be seen as a threat in art shows. At least mine sell. So neener neener..

Time doesn't agree with me. But time keeps moving on. Even when you take the batteries out I can hear the clock ticking away. I do so miss the sun dial.

Age is just a number!

I should say "legal" age is just a number. The problem is that most of the jokes about the age difference in a couple's relationship are true most of the time. It makes me really mad when that's the case. It give credence to all the skeptics that have talked about my relationship behind our back. There are 22yrs between us and honestly in the beginning I didn't care one bit. But the more I'm reminded of that fact the more I think about the day that might come when he leaves this world before me. Something I could never deal with.
"If you live a hundred years I want to live a hundred years minus one day so I would never have to be without you" Winnie the Pooh

I am not a gold digger and trust me there is no gold to dig. Before him I never wanted to share my life with anyone or care so much for someone like I do now. He doesn't like my age at all. So no he isn't some perv and he never showed me off in the beginning or the present. If anything he wouldn't hold my hand or stand next to me in public for the longest time. Now we've found a medium on how to co-exist out in the world. But when we encounter friends that have entered into a similar situation we know the realty of things. Even so when the inevitable happens it worries us. I worry he'll leave me someday. I guess as much as the next person in love would worry. I think about it so often. Someone young who doesn't get sick who has the perfect body and is perfect in Christ as he would like. I don't think he worries the same thing about me. He doesn't worry. But he does control. It brings him order and he likes order. I don't mind at all as I enjoy order and routine. Brings me comfort......

Still age is just a number, right? Then why does every couple have to face it like it's a terrible thing. Why are there women out there that use older men and how do they sleep at night? Why are there older men that can't think beyond sex? People are complicated and thus annoying. I just want things to be simple but I know it never will be.

It's a male/female thing....right?

I get a bit down on myself when it seems that my husband and I don't enjoy some of the same things but I fail to consider something that should be obvious. I'm a woman and he's a man! No I'm not referring to gender specific activities. Shopping or building stuff. That isn't what I mean. I mean that men just do not want to do certain things with their women. Even if they enjoy these things. I should have known this sooner. I see men around this town hanging out with each other and they don't include their wives. So obviously it's how relationships go. It's not that we both don't enjoy the beach or going on trails through the woods...it's because I'm a woman and he's a man and it just would not be a cool thing to do together.

Now saying that I feel a bit depressed. I'd love to share those things.......Men just don't reciprocate that feeling.

Love should never be a secret

"And you my friend I know you well I've flown with the angels
as you've crawled through hell"

We live most of our lives in our heads. Have you ever seen someone that attracts you or know someone that you think highly of...maybe even love? Yet everyday you choose not to say anything. There could be logically reasons. Maybe that person is involved or you just are not close enough to even talk too? But you've made a liar out of yourself by harboring feelings that you never plan on sharing. Maybe they will never flurish into something but they may brighten someone's day.

There is something to be said about honesty and living a truth-filled life.